Notes from a Tired Egyptian Guy Whose Job Is Explaining That Humans Built the Pyramids - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
Skip to main content
McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON
Join our Patreon for as little as $5 a month and get access to author interviews, content calls, discounts at our store, and more. Help support our writers and keep our site ad-free.
June 11, 2026
Notes from a Tired Egyptian Guy Whose Job Is Explaining That Humans Built the Pyramids
by Aman Alam
Day 4,382 of people asking whether “normal workers” could really move large stones without assistance from mystical sky beings.
Yes. That is generally how construction functions.
A man approached me near the Nile today and whispered, “But have you considered… visitors from the stars?”
Brother. We do not even have reliable sandals yet. Why would intergalactic civilizations travel unimaginable distances only to help stack triangles?
People dramatically underestimate what thousands of organized humans can accomplish when they are adequately fed, aggressively supervised, and denied alternative career paths.
Another traveler asked: “How could ancient people possibly understand mathematics?”
Excellent question. We accidentally invented geometry while trying to avoid carrying rocks incorrectly.
There is a strange tendency among future civilizations to imagine ancient Egyptians spent all day worshipping cats, speaking in riddles, and waiting for aliens to explain basic engineering.
I showed one visitor the ramps.
The pulleys.
The labor records.
The architectural planning.
He nodded thoughtfully and replied, “Interesting. But what if extraterrestrials?”
At this point, I believe some people simply find aliens emotionally comforting.
Do you know what sounds more believable than “A sophisticated civilization developed impressive construction techniques over centuries”?
Apparently: “Space people.”
Yesterday, someone pointed at the pyramids and said, “There’s no way humans did this.”
This feels deeply insulting considering humans also created taxation, organized warfare, and raisins.
Clearly, we are capable of terrible perseverance.
The workers themselves would be furious hearing these theories. Imagine dedicating twenty years to hauling limestone under desert heat only for somebody in the future to conclude, “Honestly, this feels Martian.”
Also, if aliens truly possessed advanced cosmic technology, why would they choose pyramids? Why not invent indoor cooling? Or chairs that support the lower back?
Tomorrow, I must return to supervising entirely human workers using entirely human tools to build another entirely human monument that future people will somehow attribute to lizards from space.
Egypt
Pyramids
Tourists
Aliens
Engineering
Please help support our writers and keep our site ad-free by becoming a patron.
Become a patron
Subscribe to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency’s Substack
Subscribe to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency’s Newsletter
Welcome, Soccer Fans. We’re Monetizing the Oxygen
AI Economics for Dummies
Suggested Reads
January 13, 2014
Sorry Guys, But I’ll Be Cryosleeping Throughout the Rest of this Space Expedition
by Jason Edward Harrington
November 15, 2024
I’m Willing to Give Our Alien Overlords a Second Chance
by Rachel Klein
May 28, 2003
Unused Audio Commentary By Dinesh D’Souza and Ann Coulter, Recorded Spring 2003, for Aliens Special Red-State Edition DVD, Part Two
by Jeff Alexander and Tom Bissell
August 14, 2025
I Am the Overtourist and I’m Here to Marry Your Town
by Jenny Shank
Trending 🔥
May 15, 2026
At Long Last, I Have Maxximized My Looks
by Josh Gondelman
June 11, 2026
AI Economics for Dummies
by Andrew Singleton
June 5, 2026
I Wished on a Monkey’s Paw for Susan Collins to Lose Her Senate Seat, and Now We’re Stuck with Graham Platner
by Justin P. Drew
June 5, 2026
The New Odyssey Movie Is Historically Inaccurate; Matt Damon Isn’t the Least Bit Greek
by Carlos Greaves
Recently
June 15, 2026
The Art of the Nuclear Deal
by Ethan Seidenberg
June 15, 2026
Due to a Clerical Error, Your Commencement Speaker Is A.I. Pacino
by Joel Kane
June 15, 2026
I Am Hummingbird, Lord of Your Doorknob
by Julie Sharbutt
June 12, 2026
Canada Sends Polite Regards to the United States on Its Semi-Quasi-Bisequi-Whateverennial
by Ashley K. Frantik
Looking for the perfect Graduation gift? Perhaps you’d enjoy this gorgeous deluxe boxed set of Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass. Shockingly affordable!
Dave Eggers silkscreen prints to benefit the new International Library of Youth Writing! Purchase your own unique piece of art and check back regularly for more.
“When a new McSweeney’s Quarterly is released, you’d better drop whatever it is you’re doing and check it out.”
—PRINT Magazine
“This is the kind of magazine you keep on your bookshelves with your favorite books.”—Cece Bell, author of El Deafo
A thirteen-time National Magazine Award finalist. Subscribe to The Believer...