Rafeeque-Ansari: The Refund - a hilarious literary play

skip to main |<br>skip to sidebar

Rafeeque-Ansari

Friday, February 15, 2013

The Refund - a hilarious literary play

Refund by Fritz Karinthy

My tryst with Refund<br>The play Refund is a light and rollicking play. I first came across this wonderful play in a school text-book which was part of my brother's syllabus. It was a delight to read, but ever since I lost that textbook and hence the play. Since then, I was in search of the script copy. After so many years, finally, I have found the script which I would like to share.

Enjoy reading this wonderful play.

Play logline<br>A man about 40 returns to his old school and demands to refund the tution fees paid by him 18 years back for the reason that the education given to him never proved useful and that he is now not good for anything.

The Principal is seated at his flat-tapped desk in his office in a high school. Enter a servant.

THE PRINICIPAL: Well, what is it?

THE SERVANT: A man, sir. Outside. He wants to see you.

THE PRINCIPAL [leaning back and stretching]: I receive parents only during office hours. The particular office hours are posted in the notice-board. Tell him that.

THE SERVANT: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. But it isn’t a parent, sir.

THE PRINCIPAL: A pupil?

THE SERVANT: I don’t think so. He has a beard.

THE PRINICPAL [disquieted]: Not a parent and not a pupil. Then what is he?

THE SERVANT: He told me I should just say ‘Wasserkopf.’

THE PRINICIPAL [much disquieted]: What does he look like? Stupid? Intelligent?

THE SERVANT: Fairly intelligent, I’d say, sir.

THE PRINICPAL [reassured]: Good! Then he’s not a school inspector. Show him in.

THE SERVANT: Yes, sir.

[He goes off. An instant later the door reopens to admit a bearded man, carelessly dressed, somewhat under forty. He is energetic and decided]

WASSERKOPF: How do you do? [He remains standing]

THE PRINICPAL [rising]: What can I do for you?

WASSERKOPF: I’m Wasserkopf. [He pauses] Don’t you remember me?

THE PRINCIPAL [shaking his head]: No.

WASSERKOPF: It’s possible I’ve changed. What the hell…! Your class records will show I’ve got a right to come here.

THE PRINICPAL: The class records? How so?

WASSERKOPF: Mr. Principal, if you please, I’m Wasserkopf.

THE PRINCIPAL: Doubtless, doubtless – but what has that to do with it?

WASSERKOPF: You mean to say you don’t even remember my name? [He thinks it over] No, I imagine you wouldn’t. You were probably glad to forget me. Well, Mr. Principal, I was a student in this school eighteen years ago.

THE PRINICPAL [without enthusiasm]: Oh, were you? Well, what do you want now? A certificate?

WASSERKOPF [doubtfully]: Since I’m bringing back the leaving certificate you gave me I suppose I can get along without another one. No, that isn’t why I came here.

THE PRINCIPAL: Well?

WASSERKOPF: [clearing his throat firmly]: As a former pupil of this school I want you to refund the tuition fees, which were paid you for my education eighteen years ago.

THE PRINICPAL [incredulously]: You want me to refund your tuition fees?

WASSERKOPF: Exactly; the tuition fees. If I were a rich man I’d tell you to keep them, so far as I’m concerned. What the hell…! But I’m not a rich man, and I need the money.

THE PRINCIPAL: I’m not sure I understand.

WASSERKOPF: Dammit, I want my tuition fees back! Is that plain enough?

THE PRINICPAL: Why do you want it back?

WASSERKOPF: Because I didn’t get my money’s worth, that’s why! This certificate here says I got an education. Well, I didn’t. I didn’t learn anything and I want my money back.

THE PRINCIPAL: But, look here, look here! I don’t understand it at all! I’ve never heard of anything like it. What an absurd idea!

WASSERKOPF: Absurd, is it? It’s a good idea. It’s such a good idea that I didn’t get it out of my own head, thanks to the education I got here, which made nothing but an incompetent ass out of me. My old classmate Leaderer gave me the idea not half an hour ago.

THE PRINICPAL: Gave it to you?

WASSERKOPF [nodding violently]: Like that. Here I was walking along the street, fired from my last job, and wondering how I could get hold of some cash, because I was quite broke. I met Leaderer. I said, ‘How goes it, Leaderer?’ ‘Fine!’ he says. ‘I’ve got to hurry to the broker’s to collect the money I made speculating in foreign exchange.’ ‘What’s foreign exchange?’ I said. He says ‘I haven’t got the time to tell you now, but, according to the paper, Hungarian money is down seventy points, and I’ve made the difference. Don’t you understand?’ Well, I didn’t understand. I said, ‘How do you make money if money goes down?’ and he says, ‘Wasserkopf, if you don’t know that, you don’t know a damn thing. Go to the school and get your tuition fees back.’ Then he hurried away and left me standing there, and I said to myself, ‘Why shouldn’t I do that?’ He’s right, now that I’ve thought it over. So I came here as fast as I could, and I’ll be much obliged if you give me back...