Do not take us to your leader. - by Pablo RIvera

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Do not take us to your leader.<br>And forget we ever came.

Pablo RIvera<br>Jul 01, 2026

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It is not a widely known fact, but extraterrestrials tend to enjoy visiting new planets. The inhabitants of planet Blerg Four, known as blergers, have always been particularly proud of their mission to explore the universe and learn as much as possible about other species. Their exploration is not limited to the search of intelligent life. These beings are smarter than that and are taking a more pragmatic approach. They explore with the intention of looking at what’s out there.<br>Regret is usually not a part of their space exploration goals. Sure, they’ve been disappointed a couple of times, but their visits tend to be fun and educational. When the blergers visited planet Earth, they had such a bad time that they didn’t even bother documenting the visit in their version of Wikipedia, called Blergepedia. There was no official report, no mileage recorded for tax purposes, and a ship-wide pinky promise to not tell.

It’s hard to imagine aliens that don’t end up looking super scary. Anyway, here’s what AI things blergers look like.<br>This trip had been planned the same way as other trips: down to the last detail based on the information they had available. The blergers had been intercepting signals from Earth. Spending years watching our TV and listening to our radio as if they were unemployed. They saw how well adjusted we were as a species and decided to embark on a journey towards Earth. Given everything they had listened to and seen from Earth, the space visitors calculated that by the time they made it to Earth, humans would have fixed all of their problems and would be ready to be gifted the ability of space travel. They were very wrong. Avocado on pizza wrong.<br>The visitors from planet Blerger Four were very surprised when they exited the artificial wormhole that brought them into our solar system. I’m talking “the baby is yours” surprised. Shock combined with a sense of indignity describes the feeling a little better. These are beings with more advanced feelings than us. They’ve evolved to the point where they don’t go around creepily liking each other’s pictures in the middle of the night. But they were creeped out and hesitated when they saw 2026 Earth. Their sense of duty got the best of them and continued with their mission. In horror movies, this is usually the part where the teenagers decide to stay overnight in the scary house.<br>The blergers decided to first land in the south part of the United States of America. That mission went immediately sideways when a bunch of country folk started shooting their AR-15s at the bright lights. The aliens thought that landing in the middle of a forest at night would give them a little bit of time and space to explore. Once again, wrong. The southerners had spent all night watching Unsolved Mysteries and were on high alert. Giving the visitors little chance to land and communicate that they were coming in peace. Not the aliens’ fault, though, because they were not aware of all the extraterrestrial probing allegations coming from the southern part of the United States. The locals would rather die than have their abduction story be turned into a ten episode drama.<br>Please share with others you think would either enjoy or hate this article. No thing as bad advertising until you get fired for stealing a waste basket …

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The blerger captain decided to leave as quickly as they arrived to avoid writing any long reports. The blerger typewriter had a nasty habit of getting caught between the letters of their 256 letter alphabet. They were proud of their language, but a little annoyed at all the extra course work it required at school. The captain hated having to explain itself to the high council when engaging less developed species who behaved in such ridiculous ways. On the way back up to low orbit, the aliens noticed how every vehicle in this area of the planet was improperly sized. They were amused to see these bald apes drive around in what they called “light duty dumpsters on wheels”. Even more amusing was how these behemoths used wheels made out of rubber in order to move around. It was a little baffling to our visitors, but they didn’t get a chance to spend more time exploring that part of the planet because some of the southerners were a little too eager to start using their higher caliber stuff.<br>The blerger leadership had a quick meeting in their equivalent of the break room and decided to try again somewhere else. Being that most of the TV they watched on their way here came from the U.S.A., they decided to stay within these united states. This time landing in the southern part of Texas near the Méjico border. There wasn’t a lot to look at there or any apparent danger so a small group of aliens left the ship and started exploring the surrounding area. They ran into some people with skin...