A Surreal Day at the Great American State Fair - The Atlantic

It’s MAHA Monday at the Great American State Fair, and I am drinking a Phorm Energy Screamin’ Freedom (16 ounces for $6). The fair also offered normal drinks for $5 (Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, lemonade), but I figured that for an extra dollar, it would be worth it to know the taste of freedom. Screamin’ Freedom, specifically. This drink offers “natural energy,” “mental focus,” “hydration,” “zero sugar,” “200 MG caffeine,” and a picture of an eagle. The concessions worker warns me that the beverage emphasizes “screamin’” because it has the caffeine content of two Red Bulls. The flavor (“cherry, lemon, & blueberry flavored with other natural flavors”) evokes a melted rocket pop but gets somehow worse with every sip. It is in a can, so I will never know the color of this drink, but over the course of MAHA Monday, I will drink the entire thing.<br>Everything that follows may be a hallucination!<br>Consider the state booths. Some are Official State Presentations; others are very much not. Florida includes a cannon, a manatee, and a drawing of Juan Ponce de León at the Fountain of Youth, labeled “Drawing of Juan Ponce de León at the Fountain of Youth.” Georgia is proud to have originated the Waffle House! (Happy MAHA Day?)<br>Washington State has no official presence, but like many other states without an official presence, that has not stopped some graphic designer from conjuring up a nightmare on its behalf, this one in the form of an elk posing proudly with an Amazon package.<br>In West Virginia, you can whack a simulated car into a guardrail while belting “Take Me Home, Country Roads.” Yes, of course!<br>Nebraska’s booth features a Union Pacific Railroad corner with a train simulator that, as far as I can tell, does not give you any actual control over the train. I push a lot of buttons and levers, and nothing about the train’s speed or trajectory changes at all! This feels spiritually correct.<br>James Madison begins his Legacy Stage talk at 1 p.m. by announcing that the year is 1811 (this feels like he is just trying to get out of having to answer questions about the War of 1812, but it does not work; the audience asks them anyway) and then spends most of his time talking about how Thomas Jefferson did a good job writing the Declaration of Independence. Madison keeps thinking his time is up and being told that he, in fact, has more time.<br>The woman next to me asks Madison why he, the Father of the Constitution, has spent all of his time talking about Jefferson and the Declaration of Independence. Madison says that this is the 250th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence, and that at the time of the Declaration he (Madison) was more involved in local politics. This raises more questions than it answers, foremost among them: If this is true, why not just invite Jefferson? Was he not available? Did he drop out, like Milli Vanilli? Did he drop out because he heard Milli Vanilli was dropping out? We will never know, just as I will never know the color of my beverage.<br>After Madison, lunch!<br>The most MAHA lunch I can find at this fair is a whole turkey leg, so that is what I eat. Between this and the Phorm, I am now surging with raw strength and potential and decide it is time to test my power at the Never Surrender USA tent. I manage to do an arm hang for a whole … 36 seconds! The record is, I think, a minute and 20 seconds? (My phorm needs work.)<br>I am still drinking the Phorm, but it is unpleasantly warm now. With each sip, my regret increases. Lana Del Rey’s “Summertime Sadness” plays, and it feels personal. I take what is objectively a very sad video of myself drinking more Phorm while this song plays. This will be great for social media!<br>I may be remembering the musical vibe of state fairs incorrectly, but I do not recall there being so much Elton John and ABBA at these events. To get the full picture of the Great American State Fair experience, imagine that every word James Madison says is fighting to be heard over “Tiny Dancer.” The closest we come to something patriotic or thematically appropriate is Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the USA” and Katy Perry’s “Firework.”<br>The Department of Education, or what’s left of it, is represented by a booth manned by two interns sitting behind a sign offering you a chance to win “a copy of the original draft of the Declaration of Independence.” Wow, a copy! Maybe this one will say “sacred” instead of “self-evident”! The booth also features some handy charts from an organization called the American Journey Experience that explain that it looked at 15,000 political documents from the American founding era, and 34 percent of them cited the Bible! Things at the Department of Education seem like they’re going well.<br>The Department of Commerce has a picture of George Washington dressed like Steve Jobs. Why not!<br>Illustration by The Atlantic. Source: Alexandra Petri.<br>On the left, an elk posing with an Amazon package at the Washington...