The most unbelievable things about life before smartphones
The Rubesletter by Matt Ruby đź’Ž
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The most unbelievable things about life before smartphones<br>An essay about life pre-iPhone addiction, why you're wrong about Salt Bae, an Indian butter chicken Instant Pot adventure, and a new Hell & Wellness pod discussing Marie Kondo.
Matt Ruby<br>Dec 15, 2020
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This is the Rubesletter from Matt Ruby, comedian, writer, and the creator of Vooza. Sign up to get it in your inbox weekly.
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I was not alerted
I used to get lost all the time. I’d ask for directions, look for landmarks, fold maps, carry a guidebook, and keep an atlas in the glove compartment. I never knew when the next train was coming. I waited around a lot.<br>I memorized phone numbers, jotted things down in notebooks, had conversations with taxi drivers, talked to random people at bars, wrote checks, went to the bank, and daydreamed. I was grossly inefficient and terribly bored. I rarely got what I wanted and, when I did, I had to wait at least 8-10 days for it to be delivered. I was not archived, nor was I searchable; things I said just disappeared forever.<br>I had no idea how many steps I'd walked or stairs I’d climbed. My desk’s height did not adjust; I just sat in a chair and took it. I tolerated unstapled stomachs, breasts which subjugated themselves to gravity, and butts that were incapable of functioning as shelves. I had no influence and never disrupted anything. Strangers did not wish me a happy birthday or “Like” me. My personal brand was invisible.<br>I operated on hunches, browsed bookstores, and fearlessly entered restaurants on a whim, with no knowledge of the party of eight who’d travelled all the way from Connecticut to dine there and who, despite their reservations for 8:45pm, were not seated until 9:30pm and then had to endure a server who was extremely rude, unprofessional, and “tattooed up on his neck.”<br>I did not eat gummy bears, worms, or any other gummy species. I never charged my weed, microdosed, or took pills to help me focus. My life lacked motivational quotes, nutrition tips, and workout advice. My wellness ran dry.<br>I did not take photos of myself, was not filtered, and had no idea what I looked like as a bunny rabbit, puppy, or unicorn. I had to buy film, load it in a camera, carry it around, find something worth shooting, get the film developed, and then pick up the prints. I only had 36 shots so each one mattered; I was constantly forced to ask myself, “Do I actually want a photo of this?” Also, my genitals went unphotographed.
Doing my best Ethan Hawke impression while riding the rails in Europe in the 90’s.<br>There was no surveillance of the streets. Crimes occurred and there was no footage to review. Planes crashed and we only saw the wreckage. There were no body cams and only spies could install hidden cameras. I trusted the nanny. We all did. It must have been a field day for nannies.<br>I was rejected to my face and broken up with in person. I was not polyamorous and, truth be told, was gleeful if just one woman agreed to be in a relationship with me. In order to go on a date, I had to approach a woman, talk to her, get her number, call her, talk to her again, and ask her out. It was Kafkaesque. Once plans were made, I showed up without any further contact to check whether we were, in fact, “still on for tonight,” "running late,” “at the bar,” “in the back,” or “here.” It’s a miracle we ever found each other.<br>News was not breaking and I was not alerted. Being elite was a good thing and being a Nazi frowned upon. Scientists were trusted and conspiracy theories were for tinfoil kooks. The only content users generated was letters to the editor.
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I consumed news once a day by reading a paper that stained my hands. I stumbled upon random articles I would never have selected based on the headline. The ads I saw were untargeted shotgun blasts. Quizzes were just for students and I did not know which ice cream flavor matched my personality, who should play my BFF in a movie of my life, or which Disney prince I should have a threesome with. I rarely got to feel outraged by the words of people I’d never met. For that, I had to rely on family.<br>I made mixtapes and went to record stores. I put five discs in a CD changer and they were my soundtrack for months at a time. At concerts, musicians did not use computers, singers missed notes, and drummers hit skins with sticks. Things went wrong and we meekly accepted these mistakes as part of our off-key lives.<br>I read books with dog-eared pages, highlighted passages, and untrustworthy narrators. I’d read authors without knowing if they were allies or enemies. I lacked certitude.<br>The only bingeing I did involved alcohol. I’d wait an entire week to watch the next episode. I listened to whatever was on the radio, rarely watched documentaries, and knew very little about serial killers. My crime was not true and my play was not auto.<br>My speakers were big...