How to Deliver Constructive Feedback in Difficult Situations – Productivity Hub

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How to Deliver Constructive Feedback in Difficult Situations

Productivity Tips and Apps by Productivity HubApril 19, 2019April 19, 2019

“We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.”―Marshall Rosenberg,

As a founder, my biggest regrets revolve around not having difficult conversations sooner. I could have helped team members improve faster, fired people with the wrong fit earlier, had so many more productive meetings. I could have created a more open company culture.

I was guilty of making excuses: It will sort itself out; they’ll eventually stop doing it; there are more important things to focus on. Of course, delaying these conversations always made things worse. And, sometimes, it even led to crises.

The side-effect of empathy

Empathy means tuning into the feelings of others. Like many founders, I’ve always had a lot of empathy for people — after all, founders focus their lives on understanding the feelings and needs of their customers. But when it comes to difficult conversations, I’ve found that empathy has a side effect. I can focus so intently on how the conversation might affect the other person’s feelings that I lose sight of why we needed the conversation in the first place.

Without a healthy amount of self-empathy, we often find that our own needs — and the needs of the business — take the passenger’s seat.

Nonviolent communication

“Nonviolent Communication” (NVC) is an awful name for one of the most powerful communication courses I’ve ever taken as a manager. NVC helps you to be honest without criticizing, insulting, or putting down other people.

At the core of NVC is a straightforward communication pattern: “When ____[observation], I feel ____[emotion] because I’m needing some ____[universal needs]. Would you be able to ____[request]?”

At first glance, this looks easy. But in practice, it’s extremely difficult to pull off. To grasp the complexity, NVC makes some subtle but critical distinctions: observations versus evaluations, emotions versus thoughts, universal needs versus strategies, and requests versus demands. Understanding these nuances is key to handling difficult conversations. Let’s go through each one.

1. Observations versus evaluations

Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti noted, “The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.” An observation is something you actually saw or heard in the past. You can think of it as raw information.

The majority of observations fall into two categories: what you heard (e.g., direct quotes), and what you saw (e.g., visible past behaviors).

Our brains are hardwired to take raw information and instantly create simple stories to explain them — good or bad, right or wrong, hero or villain. These stories are evaluations, and they are very hard to separate from observations. Here are a few examples to illustrate the difference:

Evaluation: “You are lazy” (which is a character attack). Observation: “You said that you’d send the document last week, and I haven’t received it.”

Evaluation: “Your work is sloppy” (which is a criticism). Observation: “Three of the numbers in the report were inaccurate.”

Evaluation: “You’re always late,” (which is a generalization). Observation: “You arrived 10 minutes late to the meeting this morning.”

Evaluation: “You ignored me.” (which implies intent). Observation: “I sent you two emails, and I haven’t received a response.”

An easy way to check whether you’ve made an observation or an evaluation is to ask yourself, “What did I actually see or hear?”

2. Emotions versus thoughts

The usual reaction to talking about feelings is “Oh God, really?” But being aware of and communicating our emotions can have a powerful effect on other people. When we need to have a difficult conversation, we might say we feel scared, annoyed, anxious, confused, embarrassed, hurt, sad, or tired. These words are important because, often, what comes after “I feel” isn’t an emotion — it’s a thought. Compare these examples:

Emotion: “I feel frustrated.”

Thought: “I feel that you aren’t taking this seriously.”

If you can substitute “I feel” with “I think” and the phrase still works — because it’s a thought, not an emotion. And sharing your thoughts in difficult conversations can get you into trouble, especially if the other person disagrees and wants to correct you.

Behind every negative emotion lies an unmet universal need.

A few emotions require extra attention and curiosity before sharing them. One is anger, which often masks more painful emotions like hurt and shame. It’s important to figure out what’s underneath the anger before having a difficult conversation, because when you’re angry you’re more likely to speak impulsively and forget NVC altogether.

Other emotions that need attention are evaluative words....