Don't ask what you want. Ask who you want to be

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Don't ask what you want. Ask who you want to be

July<br>13th,

2026

Do you struggle with knowing what you want? For me, it shows up in career stuff. Do I want this job or that? What kind of role would I like?

I had this revelation over the weekend. “What do I want” is the wrong question.

I was reading The Obstacle is The Way. It didn’t site right. My main problem was: this seems great when you know what you want. The people in the book have unambiguous goals. Defeat Nazis. Win rights. Gain independence.

But I’m just a dude without a great struggle. I’m a middle child of history. How do I first solve the problem of “what do I want.”

ChatGPT agreed with this criticism. It said a Stoic would say

Don’t focus on what you want. Focus first on the person you want to be.

That hit me like a ton of bricks.

It’s not about optimizing the role, the retirement plan, the best vacation, etc. That can devolve into a discussion of what ‘feels good’. We want to do this type of work, not that type of work. We want to go to the beach for vacation, not overseas. The outcomes though are heavily out of your control. (It rains all week at the beach, the role evolves to have unexpected responsibilities).

Instead, you can basically ‘achieve’ being the person you want to immediately. Given your circumstances, you act in accordance with your values. It’s a minute-by-minute assessment.

How? First don’t think of values as a silly single word headline. Like when people say ‘humility’ is a value of mine. People cheat and bend those words. They get into silly arguments about what ‘humble’ means in different contexts.

But values as far more concrete ‘when in situation X I would be proud to respond by Y’. That’s far more concrete than some abstract ideal that devolves into semantic parsing.

In any moment, what would I be proud to say I did? That I scrolled twitter or helped my son with his 3D printer? That I argued with someone on YouTube comments? Or did a 45-minute workout?

Most of that is not conditional on success, skill, or energy. It’s just a choice where to put my limited resources. As I get older, I know I won’t have the same capacity as my younger self. And everyone has limitations - even the most powerful amongst us.

I suspect most people who struggle with ‘what do I want’ are like me. What you REALLY want is to feel proud of who you are. And for most of us, figuring that out would clarify and liberate far more than some improvement, goal attainment, that ‘feels good’ but leaves us morally bereft.

Morality therefore becomes liberating. It becomes a compass that lets us “achieve” who we want without needing any riches, fame, and glory. As Batman says:

“It’s not who I am underneath but what I do that defines me”

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Doug Turnbull

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