Maybe Men’s Problem Is That They Like Being Lonely

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Maybe Men’s Problem Is That They Like Being Lonely<br>Solitude, stigma and owned space

Conor Fitzgerald<br>Jul 13, 2026

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“Karasaki Pines at Night” c.1910, artist unknown.<br>The release during June of a UK report entitled “Loneliness, isolation and social connection among boys and young men” gives us yet another opportunity to think about that topic of eternal media interest, the “Male Loneliness Epidemic”. This report focuses on the idea of stigma, in particular that “because boys and young men face severe social stigma around admitting they are lonely, the actual scope of the problem is vastly underestimated in official health data.” I don’t question its conclusions; but the quote above repeats some familiar ideas and assumptions about men’s relationship to ideas of loneliness, isolation, and solitude that crop up every time the issue is discussed and that never sit right with me.<br>The Fitzstack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

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One of the characteristics of “Male Loneliness Epidemic” talk is that men almost never bring up the subject unprompted themselves. There are a couple of reasons for that; one is the general one that men don’t find talking about their problems to be fulfilling - that’s a whole separate discussion. On the specific side, while making friends and maintaining relationships does seem to be harder than it used to be, my personal experience is that men enjoy long extended periods on their own. I can’t help but wonder if men’s problem with loneliness is that they need it, like it and that it suits them a little too much - and like all psychological and spiritually fulfilling things that means it can become a crutch. It’s a perspective one doesn’t often hear - that men have a skill and a taste for isolation, and need it in a way women don’t, to a degree that can cause them difficulty.<br>The conversation about male loneliness is often driven (and seemingly solely driven) by women and their concerns for men; that perspective colours the conversation in ways that can obscure the men’s feelings about the problem. The obvious place to start is therefore with what research says about men and women’s differing average desire for time apart from others.<br>I was very surprised when I started looking into the science that the accepted position is that women have deeper need for it than men do. Summary of some representative studies here:<br>This National Institutes of Health study reported significantly higher affinity for solitude than men, and experienced higher levels of “aloneliness” (the subjective distress of not getting enough time to oneself) compared to men.

The University of Toronto Department of Psychology study of 6,000 single adults found that single women are significantly happier being single, possess higher life satisfaction, and have a much lower desire for a partner than single men, in part due to their greater comfort with living alone.

This meta-study in Psychology Today concluded that in every study where a statistically significant gender difference appeared, women appreciated their time alone more, were less likely to try to avoid it, and were more likely to report a deficit in getting enough time to themselves.

As well as an innate preference for time alone, the research often frames the preference as a structural matter, arising from carrying a heavier load in domestic life (including planning, scheduling and managing households) and exhaustion from being the default support in the lives of children, husbands and boyfriends, even parents. In the research the constant demand that women be emotionally accessible is what drives their need for isolation. The studies also reflect that the desire for time alone is not unfocused or unlimited but for time to self-actualise and engage in fulfillment through hobbies and purposeful self-reflection.<br>I don’t doubt the research says what it says, that women have a strong drive for personal time that is normal in all humans, nor do I underrate the reality of some structural factors here - I genuinely have no idea how mothers, even ones with very considerate and collaborative partners, cope at all. But a lot of this flies in the face of everything I have seen and experienced in my own life, when it comes to both men and women.<br>My personal observation has been that women if left to their own devices for an extended period of time quickly get itch to be around other people, whereas I think quite a lot of men can stare off into space on their own and be happy for an almost indefinite period of time and not only enjoy that but find it to be a relief. If you think of a teenager who won’t come out their room, or of a person of whom you’d say they need a couple or hours a day by themselves in order to function - the person I envision is a man, and I don’t think...