Book Review: Good Inside - by Justis Mills

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Book Review: Good Inside<br>Selected quotations and general kvetching

Justis Mills<br>Jul 14, 2026

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Dr. Becky Kennedy is a true believer. She believes that emotional regulation and secure attachment are the most important things. I know this because she says so, over and over, during her book Good Inside. I also know this because she constantly tries to emotionally regulate me, the reader.<br>It’s a mark of impressive art, the marriage of form and content. Homestuck’s sprawling form matching its maddeningly intricate plot. Infinite Jest’s bottomless restlessness. Jamie Paige’s lyrics exploring artificiality as human and machine voices interweave. Good Inside fits right in.<br>It drove me crazy.<br>The Good (Inside)

First of all, game recognize game. I don’t like when Dr. Becky tries to manage my feelings (more on that later), and she has the craziest metaphors I have ever seen (more on that too), but her specific techniques are creative and sensible. I also like to think up games to play with my toddler to help in her development, and it’s clear that Dr. Becky is a master of the craft.<br>Some examples:<br>A “fill up with mama” game, where if a kid seems like they aren’t getting enough attention their mom hugs them and asks how “filled up with mama” they are. It might start at just the toes, then the tummy, then the chest. The game ends with a little extra top off once they’re full.

Saying “I won’t let you” rather than “please don’t” or “you can’t.” “I won’t let you throw blocks” really does seem like a better formulation, since it is descriptively accurate and easy for the child to understand.

Physically throwing bad behaviors out the window in a silly way. Like “whoa, how’d that whininess get in the house? I bet other kids will need that. Yoink!” Then opening a window and physically throwing it out. “Anyway, sure, you can have a fresh pencil.” Rather than refusing a whiny request for a pencil or complaining about the bad behavior while also caving in.

None of these are one size fits all, and nothing beats careful observation and figuring out what works for your own kid. But I’m happy to think of millions of parents reading them, and getting their own creative juices flowing.<br>The Bad

Attachment theory is pretty good. In a nutshell, this is the idea that children evolutionarily need to keep their parents close by and on their team, and they build their models for future close relationship off the parental bond. So if you’re emotionally available and supportive, they aren’t unconsciously worried about being eaten by a tiger, and also will do a better job being married (or whatever) someday.<br>But also, I think attachment theory is oversold by its devotees. Lots of stuff is just genetic or whatever, and simple evolutionary arguments tend to feel more plausible than the messy reality. Dr. Becky is constantly using attachment theory as if it were a matter of objectively settled science, which grinds my gears. Don’t you know that the map isn’t the territory, Becky? Why can’t you be like my friends on LessWrong?<br>Also grinding my gears, was stuff like this:<br>You are not at fault for your intergenerational patterns. Quite the opposite - if you’re reading this book, that tells me you’re taking on the role of a cycle-breaker, the person who says that certain damaging patterns STOP with you. You are willing to take on the weight of the generations before you and change the direction for the generations to come. Wow. You are far from at fault - you are brave and bold and you love your kid more than anything. Being a cycle-breaker is an epic battle, and you are amazing for taking it on.

Becky is trying to manage my feelings and make sure I feel good/secure/at ease before helping me to change, just like she recommends we do for children.<br>Also, Becky is wrong about me. She’s eager to manage my feelings, but she makes claims that don’t resonate for me at all. I’m not a cycle breaker. My parents did great. I’d be perfectly happy to keep the cycle going, thank you very much. And in fact, something about a parenting book assuming you must think your parents sucked and had “certain damaging patterns” feels maximally bleak; if you’re so sure that arbitrary readers will think their parents messed up, surely the bar for not messing up is higher than reading this book, and maybe even infinitely high.<br>My frustration would be totally avoided with the smallest, gentlest hedge. “Maybe you’re feeling at fault for certain generational patterns, and like you can’t break free of the baggage you learned from your own parents. If so…” But no. Emotional management comes first, you see. Far before rigorous thought.<br>This prioritization does predictable things to my specific emotions. Mostly rage.<br>For instance, as a kid, this would have terrified me:<br>You’re worried about getting your blood drawn today. Exactly how long it will take and how much it will hurt, I don’t know....