It's cute how Grandma doesn't even know how to blood tithe to the Data Lord

It’s Cute How Grandma Doesn’t Even Know How to Blood Tithe to the Data Lord - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

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August 4, 2026

It’s Cute How Grandma Doesn’t Even Know How to Blood Tithe to the Data Lord

by Kate Tyndall

Grandma, it’s the first of the month. Did you forget the blood tithe was due? Don’t worry, Gam-Gam, I’ll help you figure it out.

You can’t pay for anything by card anymore. That stopped being a thing in the 2030s. The Data Lord doesn’t take AmEx. It’s half a pint now, or a full pint every two months, and you’re on a monthly plan. Hold your arm out, and I’ll get the tourniquet. There we go.

I know, times have changed a lot, huh? Back in your day, people used money for this kind of thing. But the Data Lord has all the money, so now we just pay with blood instead. It’s even easier, if you think about it. No need to worry about "savings" or "inflation" or whatever it is your generation was so obsessed with. Now it’s all about platelet count.

Oh, don’t be morbid. Of course he doesn’t drink it—at least, not your old-lady blood. Yours is going into The Tower to cool the servers where the Data Lord’s eternal consciousness is stored. But for young guys like me, our platelets are used to rejuvenate his clone library. So he can pick a clean flesh-suit to wear every day. Nice, right?

It’s wild how much technology has changed in your lifetime. Back then you had to send emails and text messages and wait for someone to read them and reply by hand. You couldn’t even receive the Data Lord’s command instantaneously via brain chip. How did you get through the day without his benevolent instruction to guide you? I swear, I couldn’t find my way to the grocery store without the Data Lord’s voice in my head, telling me where to go. But I guess you guys had GPS and stuff. So complicated.

That’s half a pint filled already. See? That wasn’t so bad. You’re all done.

Whoa, whoa, sit down, grandma, you don’t need to walk it over. The Data Lord’s drone army will be here to collect the tithe in a minute. You just sit back and relax.

Here they are now. They’re equipped with special sensors that smell the fresh blood in the air and come to retrieve it. Isn’t that convenient? I know it must seem wacky to someone from your generation, but that’s progress for ya.

Well, you’re all set. I’m gonna head to work—do you want me to turn on your TikToks for you? Okay, okay, sheesh, I won’t send them to your brain chip. Hand me your tablet.

I can’t believe people really used to consume media like this; it really spikes your cortisol. I just get all my favorite bloodmaxxing content streamed straight to the ol’ noggin.

All right, Gam-Gam, I’m off to my shift at the blood-debtor’s prison. Have a six-seven day, and I’ll see you tonight.

A.I.

Data Centers

The Future

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It's cute how Grandma doesn't even know how to blood tithe to the Data Lord

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