Recovering from narcissistic abuse - by MiriamB
Past the past
SubscribeSign in
Recovering from narcissistic abuse<br>Everything you need to know after experiencing the aftermath of narcissism.
MiriamB<br>Jan 25, 2026
Share
There are two main types of narcissistic abuse: one that happens in families, when one parent or both exhibit narcissistic behaviours, and one that happens later in romantic or platonic relationships.<br>Abuse that happens early on tends to become entangled with the psychological development of the individual. A child’s brain and sense of self develop in the context of unsafety, unmet needs, conditional love, overfunctioning, and overgiving to a parent who should have been the one giving to the child.<br>However, narcissistic abuse that happens later in life is not any less insidious. It can leave people feeling “crazy,” drained of energy and confidence, often struggling with body image issues or holding new beliefs about life and relationships that feel deeply damaging.<br>What I define as narcissistic abuse includes:<br>- Constant overfunctioning and compromising in the relationship<br>- Connection based on domination rather than authenticity (the other person must always “win” to maintain the connection)<br>- Gaslighting, lying, and deception<br>- Conditional “love”<br>- Emotional, psychological, and financial exploitation<br>- Constant erosion of self-esteem<br>- Social isolation<br>- Objectification<br>- Triangulation<br>This list is not exhaustive, but if I were to describe narcissistic abuse in one sentence, it would be: a relationship in which the other person seeks to exploit and dominate rather than connect authentically .<br>Of course, these relationships do not usually start this way. There are often “good times,” followed by the growing sense that no matter what you do, the goalpost is always moving, and you will never feel good enough around this person or truly loved by them.<br>In a relationship with a parent, this may look like constant pressure to achieve, followed by dismissal or lack of acknowledgment once achievements are reached. The goalpost keeps moving, making it impossible for the child to “win” the parent’s approval. The now-adult child may continue to work hard, yet their efforts are consistently minimized or made to seem insignificant.<br>In a romantic relationship, criticism and subtle seeds of doubt planted about your attractiveness, intelligence, or character slowly corrode your self-esteem. What once felt like a fairytale, where you were adored and placed on a pedestal, begins to feel insulting and destabilizing.<br>Triangulation , where a partner compares you to past partners or highlights their qualities, is also common.<br>These are only examples. There are countless permutations of how narcissistic abuse can unfold, far more than can be covered here.<br>How narcissistic abuse recovery looks like
Narcissistic abuse is not simply something that happens to us. It changes us.<br>The hurtful words we are told can haunt us for years. They make us doubt our qualities, slowly eroding our sense of worth, even long after the people who said those words are no longer in our lives.<br>A person who has experienced narcissistic abuse often feels a constant need to prove their worth, because the narcissist’s primary weapon is criticism. Through criticism, they justify their behavior by making it seem as though you deserve what is being done to you.<br>Some people collapse and stop trying altogether. Others become high achievers, fixers, rescuers, people who overfunction in relationships and take care of everyone else. But despite all their effort, despite everything they do to better themselves, they never quite feel better.<br>Internally, their representation of self remains organized around the narcissistic structure, meaning:<br>- Self-acceptance is based solely on performance<br>- Criticism resonates deeply, while acknowledgment does not<br>- Giving feels natural, even compulsive, while receiving feels dangerous<br>- Relationships are imbalanced, with one person consistently compromising and sacrificing<br>- Boundaries are followed by intense guilt and the feeling of being a bad person<br>- Expressing needs feels excruciating<br>- Trust in others is low, while emotional dependence is high<br>What fuels recovery from narcissistic abuse
Recovery is tricky, because while it starts with awareness, it is not a passive process.<br>Knowledge needs to feel lived, true, visceral, in your bones. And as knowledge expands, it often opens the door to seeing even more ways in which old programming has been holding you back.<br>Recovery can feel like a journey through a dark wood while holding a lantern. The further you walk, the more you can see. But you can only see as much as you are willing and able to walk while holding the lantern.<br>Reading, taking courses, watching videos, journaling, meditation, and similar practices can all be valuable tools. But all tools have their place, and their usefulness depends on timing and context.<br>While knowledge can be acquired...