Natural Independence Incentives
Jeff Kaufman
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Natural Independence Incentives
August 17th, 2026
kids
In raising my three kids I think a lot about how to cultivate<br>independence. I want them to grow into people who can handle<br>unfamiliar situations, including interacting with strangers as needed,<br>and I think this has been going well: people often comment on how<br>competent and self-sufficient they are for their age (though I think<br>they're still not that far along the spectrum compared to what's possible<br>or historically normal).
In supporting this growth, sometimes they're strongly<br>motivated to do something<br>by themselves, and all I need to do is figure out the minimum they<br>need from me. Which might be nothing! Other times, however, I'll<br>give a small push.
This weekend I brought them<br>along to Mentone AL<br>where Kingfisher was<br>playing for contras. Dinner was in the dining hall, and for dessert<br>they served peach cobbler with ice cream; Nora (5y) asked if I would<br>get her some. I don't like to set artificial hurdles, but<br>I'm also not going to pass up a good natural one and she was clearly<br>going to be highly motivated by the goal. With an older child I would<br>have considered saying if they wanted dessert they'd need to get it<br>themself, but that seemed a little too strong. Instead, I told Nora<br>that I was still eating, but if she wanted dessert now she<br>could go get some. She did.
She waited in line, talked to the server, got some peach cobbler with<br>ice cream, and then promptly dropped it. This was not what I was<br>planning to teach! It also posed a challenge beyond what I thought<br>she was ready for, and risked other people needing to do extra work to<br>make up for my lazy-appearing parenting. I came over, helped clean it<br>up, and sat back down. She got a new bowl, brought it back to the<br>table, took a big bite, and then looked like she was going to cry:
Me: What's wrong?
Nora: I don't want my dessert.
Me: Why?
Nora: I don't like the brown stuff, I just want the ice cream, but the<br>brown stuff is all over the ice cream.
Me: What should we do?
Nora: Can you go get me a new one that is just ice cream?
Me: I'm still eating, but if you tell them that your papa is<br>going to eat the other one and you want a new<br>one with just ice cream I think they'd give you that.
Nora: [cheers up essentially instantly] ok!
She waited in line, explained what she wanted, and got a bowl just the<br>way she liked it:
I asked her about it in writing this post, a few days later. She said<br>she felt bad when she dropped her ice cream, would have preferred I<br>had just gotten her ice cream, and really enjoyed eating the ice<br>cream. I think this is a pretty good illustration of how this<br>approach to parenting works in practice: not perfect or necessarily<br>appreciated at the time, but good enough and building skills they'll<br>need.
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Jeff Kaufman
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